Toxic Things Parents Did to You

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jiù gǎn jué méi yǒu zhè gè jiā

就感觉没有这个家

nǐ jiù shì yī gè rén zài huó zhe

你就是一个人在活着

yī gè rén zài wài miàn dài zhe

一个人在外面待着

sǐ le dōu méi rén zhī dào

死了都没人知道

jiù zhè zhǒng

就这种

nǐ shì fǒu céng yīn fù mǔ de mǒu xiē yán xíng ér shòu dào shāng hài

你是否曾因父母的某些言行而受到伤害？

dà gài jiù shì wǒ shàng dà xué de shí hòu

大概就是我上大学的时候

bǐ jiào tān wán

比较贪玩

rán hòu fù mǔ jiù shuō wǒ

然后父母就说我

zhè bèi zi yě méi shén me chū xī le

这辈子也没什么出息了

shén me dōu bù huì

什么都不会

rán hòu kàn bù qǐ wǒ cháo fěng wǒ

然后看不起我嘲讽我

zài xué xiào lǐ miàn yīn wèi biǎo xiàn bù hǎo

在学校里面因为表现不好

bèi lǎo shī pī píng

被老师批评

rán hòu wǒ bà bà tā shuō

然后我爸爸他说

zǎo zhī dào nǐ shì zhè yàng de yī gè rén

早知道你是这样的一个人

wǒ hái bù rú bù yào shēng xià nǐ zhè gè ér zi

我还不如不要生下你这个儿子

hái bù rú zài shēng yī gè zài yǎng yī gè

还不如再生一个再养一个

tā shuō shēng le nǐ zhēn de shì tǐng méi yòng de

他说生了你真的是挺没用的

jì dé zài wǒ dú dà xué de shí hòu

记得在我读大学的时候

jiù wǒ zì jǐ duì zì jǐ de yào qiú hái shì tǐng gāo de

就我自己对自己的要求还是挺高的

dàn shì ne wǒ zuò chū yī xiē chéng jì yǐ hòu

但是呢我做出一些成绩以后

méi yǒu dé dào tā men de rèn kě

没有得到他们的认可

rán hòu wǒ jiù jué dé

然后我就觉得

nà jiù zhè yàng ba

那就这样吧

nà wǒ jiù àn zhào kuài huó de nà zhǒng fāng shì qù guò

那我就按照快活的那种方式去过

wǒ jué dé hěn qí guài

我觉得很奇怪

wǒ zhī qián qǔ dé le xiāng yīng de chéng jì de shí hòu

我之前取得了相应的成绩的时候

méi yǒu dé dào tā men de rèn kě

没有得到他们的认可

dàn wǒ méi yǒu qù zuò zhè xiē shì qíng de shí hòu

但我没有去做这些事情的时候

fǎn ér chū lái zhǐ zé wǒ

反而出来指责我

hòu lái wǒ dà yī diǎn jiù gēn wǒ mā shuō dào zhè gè shì

后来我大一点就跟我妈说到这个事

tā jiù shuō de shì

她就说的是

wǒ nà shì wèi le biān cè nǐ a

我那是为了鞭策你啊

wèi shén me

oh my god！为什么

jiù shì zhè yàng

就是这样

wǒ bèi lǎo shī qǐng le jiā zhǎng

我被（老师）请了家长

rán hòu fù mǔ huí qù yǐ hòu

然后父母回去以后

jiù hěn hěn de yòng wǒ de jiā lǐ de yī xiē jiā fǎ chōu le wǒ

就狠狠的用我的家里的一些家法抽了我

wǒ gù yì chuān le liǎng tiáo hòu kù zi

我故意穿了两条厚裤子

yīn wèi wǒ zhī dào tā yào dǎ wǒ

因为我知道他要打我

jié guǒ wǒ bà hái shì hěn wú qíng de

结果我爸还是很无情的

ràng wǒ bǎ kù zi tuō diào

让我把裤子脱掉

rán hòu bǎ wǒ hǎo hǎo de chōu le yī dùn

然后把我好好的抽了一顿

fù mǔ dāng shí hěn qì ma

父母当时很气嘛

bǎ wǒ shǒu jī yě shuāi le

把我手机也摔了

bǎ wǒ diàn nǎo shén me de dōu shuāi le

把我电脑什么的都摔了

shuō nǐ zhè yī bèi zi dōu bù huì chéng cái

说你这一辈子都不会成才

nǐ zhè yī bèi zi xià yī bèi zi

你这一辈子下一辈子

wú lùn nǐ duō jiǔ duō jiǔ duō jiǔ dōu bù huì chéng cái

无论你多久多久多久（都不会成才）

nǐ zhè yàng zi xià qù

你这样子下去

nǐ kěn dìng huì qù zuò láo

你肯定会去坐牢

dāng shí shuō zhè jù huà

当时说这句话

gǎn jué duì wǒ lái shuō de huà

感觉对我来说的话

gǎn jué hǎo xiàng fǒu dìng le wǒ de yī qiè

感觉好像否定了我的一切

gǎn jué wǒ jiù yī wú suǒ yǒu

感觉我就一无所有

gǎn jué jiù xiàng tā men fàng qì le wǒ zhè gè rén yī yàng

感觉就像他们放弃了我这个人一样

qí shí wǒ jīng lì guò xiào yuán bào lì

其实我经历过校园暴力

jiào le jiā zhǎng yǐ hòu ba

叫了家长以后吧

tā men dì yī shí jiān bù shì bǎo hù wǒ

他们第一时间不是保护我

tā men shì xiān zhǐ zé le yī dùn

他们是先指责了一顿

rán hòu zài qù gēn lǎo shī shuō huà de

然后再去跟老师说话的

shuō wǒ zěn me yòu rě shì le

说我怎么又惹事了

zěn me zěn me yàng de

怎么怎么样的

nà dāng shí wǒ bèi qī fù le

那当时我被欺负了

wǒ dāng shí shàng chū yī nà me xiǎo de gè tóu

我当时上初一那么小的个头

nǐ xiǎng xiǎng nà zhǒng gǎn jué

你想想那种感觉

nǐ xiǎng xiǎng nà zhǒng bèi pāo qì de gǎn jué

你想想那种被抛弃的感觉

nǐ xiǎng xiǎng

你想想

qí shí duì wǒ dāng shí zào chéng de shāng hài tǐng dà de

其实对我当时造成的伤害挺大的

dāng shí wǒ fù mǔ méi yǒu gěi wǒ shén me tài dà de bāng zhù

当时我父母没有给我什么太大的帮助

shì wǒ zì jǐ zhǎo rén

是我自己找人

bǎ jīng cháng qī fù wǒ de nà xiē rén gěi dǎ le yī dùn

把经常欺负我的那些人给打了一顿

rán hòu cái hǎo de

然后才好的

hòu lái wǒ yě kāi shǐ hùn le

后来我也开始混了

suǒ yǐ shuō zào chéng wǒ xiàn zài xué xí bù hǎo

所以说造成我现在学习不好

wǒ běn rén jiù shì yǒu yì yù zhèng de

我本人就是有抑郁症的

tā men jiù shì huì shuō yī xiē huà

他们就是会说一些话

ràng wǒ jué dé zì jǐ jiù shì tā men de yī gè lèi zhuì

让我觉得自己就是他们的一个累赘

shuō nǐ kàn nǐ měi gè yuè zhì bìng

说你看你每个月治病

nǐ de yī yào fèi dōu nà me guì

你的医药费都那么贵

hái yào qù yī yuàn fù chá

还要去医院复查

shí bā suì jiù bù guǎn nǐ le

十八岁就不管你了

děng nǐ mǎn shí bā suì

等你满十八岁

nǐ zì jǐ chū qù xiǎng zěn me yàng jiù zěn me yàng

你自己出去想怎么样就怎么样

zǎo diǎn bǎ nǐ jià chū qù suàn le

早点把你嫁出去算了

dà gài jiù shì

大概就是

jiù zǎo liàn ma

就早恋嘛

jiù shuō wǒ bù jiǎn diǎn

就说我不检点

dāng shí hái shì chū zhōng duì

当时还是初中对

jiù gǎn jué zì jǐ bèi tǒng le yī dāo

就感觉自己被捅了一刀

zhēn de xīn hěn tòng

真的心很痛

zhēn de hěn tòng

真的很痛

dāng shí shì zài shàng xué de guò chéng zhōng

当时是在上学的过程中

jiù shì hěn nán guò dàn hái shì qù shàng xué le

就是很难过但还是去上学了

xiàn zài wǒ mā hé wǒ mèi mèi chǎo jià

现在我妈和我妹妹吵架

jiù zhǐ néng quàn zhe diǎn wǒ mā

就只能劝着点我妈

quàn zhe diǎn wǒ mèi

劝着点我妹

dàn wǒ mā shuō wǒ méi yǒu zī gé

但我妈说我没有资格

tā bù xī wàng wǒ chā shǒu wǒ mèi mèi de jiào yù

她不希望我插手我妹妹的教育

yī bān zài jiā lǐ miàn ba

一般在家里面吧

nǚ shēng jǐ hū dōu shì hěn chǒng zhe de

女生几乎都是很（宠着的）

bù guǎn shì nóng cūn hái shì chéng shì ba

不管是农村还是城市吧

dōu shì bǐ jiào jiāo shēng guàn yǎng

都是比较娇生惯养

dàn shì duì yú wǒ lái shuō jiù shì

但是对于我来说就是

shá shì dōu dé kào zì jǐ ba

啥事都得靠自己吧

wǒ zhī qián shì zài wǔ xiào dài zhe

我之前是在武校待着

jiù hěn shǎo gēn jiā lǐ miàn jiē chù

就很少跟家里面接触

rán hòu jiù huí dào jiā lǐ miàn

然后就回到家里面

wǒ bà ràng wǒ qù chāi lā jī

我爸让我去拆垃圾

rán hòu wǒ jiù qù chāi

然后我就去拆

rán hòu wǒ jiù shì suí wǒ bà de xìng zi

然后我就是随我爸的性子

rán hòu jiù chāi le bàn tiān yě méi chāi dòng

然后就拆了半天也没拆动

wǒ jiù gēn wǒ bà chǎo qǐ lái

我就跟我爸吵起来

wǒ shuō nǐ chāi bù dòng nǐ ràng wǒ chāi

我说你拆不动你让我拆

rán hòu wǒ bà jiù zhí jiē ná zhe

然后我爸就直接拿着

wǒ men běi fāng gāo liáng biān de nà zhǒng sǎo bǎ

我们北方高粱编的那种扫把

rán hòu jiù niǎn zhe dǎ wǒ

然后就撵着打我

nà wǒ jiù lí jiā chū zǒu

那我就离家出走

hòu miàn wǒ mā jiù jiào wǒ huí jiā

后面我妈就叫我（回家）

rán hòu wǒ jiù bǐ jiào xīn téng wǒ mā

然后我就比较心疼我妈

wǒ jiù huí lái le

我就回来了

zài dào hòu miàn jiù shì

再到后面就是

nián wǒ mā qù shì le

2018年我妈去世了

jiù shì

就是

zhí jiē jiù shì nián guò nián

直接就是2019年过年

jiā lǐ miàn de rén jiù shì nà zhǒng

家里面的人就是那种

méi yǒu rén qù guǎn nǐ

没有人去管你

méi yǒu rén qù wèn nǐ

没有人去问你

jiù gǎn jué zhěng gè shì jiè dōu bù shì nǐ de

就感觉整个世界都不是你的

zhǐ yǒu nǐ zì jǐ

只有你自己

jiù zhè zhǒng gǎn jué

就这种感觉

jiù gǎn jué méi yǒu zhè gè jiā

就感觉没有这个家

nǐ jiù shì yī gè rén zài huó zhe

你就是一个人在活着

yī gè rén zài wài miàn dài zhe

一个人在外面待着

sǐ le dōu méi rén zhī dào

死了都没人知道

jiù zhè zhǒng

就这种

wǒ dì yī cì jiàn wǒ bà bà de shí hòu

我第一次见我爸爸的时候

shì liù suì de shí hòu

是六岁的时候

jiù dāng shí

就当时

qí shí cóng xiǎo wǒ hé wǒ mā shì shǔ yú xiāng yī wèi mìng de nà zhǒng

其实从小我和我妈是属于相依为命的那种

dàn shì wǒ mǔ qīn dài wǒ yī gè rén

但是我母亲带我一个人

pò yú wú nài tā zhǐ néng chū qù dǎ gōng zhēng qián

迫于无奈她只能出去打工挣钱

lái gōng wǒ qù dú shū

来供我去读书

wǒ bà dì yī cì guò lái

我爸第一次过来

shì yǐ yī gè mò shēng rén de shēn fèn guò lái

是以一个陌生人的身份过来

rán hòu wǒ dāng shí wèn tā mǎi shén me dōng xī

然后我当时问他买什么东西

zhè gè wǒ jì dé tè bié kě xiào

这个我记得特别可笑

rán hòu tā shuō wǒ shì nǐ bà

然后他说我是你爸

rán hòu wǒ dāng shí dì yī cì tīng zhè jù huà

然后我当时第一次听这句话

wǒ yǐ wèi tā zài mà wǒ

我以为他在骂我

rán hòu wǒ dāng shí jiù huí zuǐ

然后我当时就回嘴

wǒ shuō wǒ cái shì nǐ bà jiù zhè yàng

我说我才是你爸就这样

yīn wèi wǒ yī zhí zài tuō guǎn ma

因为我一直在托管嘛

jiù shì tuō gěi bié rén jiā de

就是托给别人家的

rán hòu dāng tè bié gū dú de shí hòu

然后当特别孤独的时候

wǒ gǎn jué dào wǒ hǎo quē ài a

我感觉到我好缺爱啊

wǒ gǎn jué dào hǎo xiàng méi yǒu rén guān xīn wǒ

我感觉到好像没有人关心我

méi yǒu rén zài yì wǒ

没有人在意我

wǒ gǎn jué èr shí duō nián lái

我感觉二十多年来

cóng wǒ shàng xiǎo xué yī zhí dào gāo kǎo bì yè

从我上小学一直到高考毕业

jiā lǐ wán quán méi shén me jiè rù

家里完全没什么介入

wǒ jiù gǎn dào wǒ tè bié kě wàng jiā tíng

我就感到我特别渴望家庭

wǒ yǒu shí hòu zài xiǎng rú guǒ wǒ yǐ hòu yǒu jiā tíng

我有时候在想如果我以后有家庭

yǒu hái zi le

有孩子了

wǒ shuō wǒ zěn me dōu bù huì qù fàng qì

我说我怎么都不会去放弃

wú lùn zài kùn nán wǒ dōu xiǎng qù chéng dān zhè gè zé rèn

无论再困难我都想去承担这个责任

qù bāng zhè gè jiā tíng wéi hù de gèng hǎo

去帮这个家庭维护的更好

ài bù fáng huàn yī zhǒng fāng shì lái biǎo dá

爱，不妨换一种方式来表达。

I feel that I have no home.

I live alone,

stay away from my hometown alone.

No one knows even if I die.

That's it.

Have you ever been hurt by some of your parents' words and deeds?

I was rather playful

when I was in college.

Then my parents said that

you're going nowhere in this life.

You know nothing.

They look down on me and mock me.

When I was criticized by the teacher

for bad performance in school,

my dad said

"If I knew you were such a person,

I prefer not to give birth to you.

I might as well have another child."

He said it was really useless to give birth to you.

I remember that when I was in college,

I had high demands on myself.

But I did not get their approval

after making some achievements.

And then I thought that's fine,

I will live my life in a happy way.

I thought it strange

that I didn't get their praise

when I achieved the good results,

but when I didn't do these things,

they accused me instead.

When I was a little older, I told my mother about this,

and she said that

I was to spur you.

Oh my god！Why!

That's it.

My parents were called to school by the teacher once.

When they came back,

they beat me fiercely with domestic discipline.

I wore two thick pants on purpose

because I knew he was going to hit me.

As a result, my dad still ruthlessly told me

to take off my pants,

and then beat me severely.

My parents were very angry at the time.

They dropped my mobile phone,

dropped my computer and everything.

They say you will never be successful in your life.

In this life and the next,

no matter how long you will never get success.

If you go on like this,

you will definitely go to jail.

After they said this,

I felt that

they had denied everything about me.

I felt that I had nothing,

and they had given up on me.

Actually, I have experienced school violence.

After the teacher asked my parents to come to school,

their first reaction was not to protect me

but to accuse me.

And then talked to the teacher,

said why I caused trouble again

and so on.

But I was obviously the one being bullied.

I was short in the first year of junior high school.

Think about the feeling,

think about the feeling of being abandoned,

think about it.

It actually caused a lot of harm to me at the time.

At that time, my parents did not give me much help.

It was me to find someone

to beat up those who often bullied me.

And then no one bullied me.

Later, I also became decadent,

so it caused me not to study well now.

I have depression,

and they just say something

to make me feel like a burden to them.

They always said that

your medical bills are so expensive every month

and you have to go to the hospital for re-examination.

We won't support you when you at the age of 18.

When you reach 18,

you can go out and do whatever you want.

Wish you could get married sooner.

It's probably about my puppy love.

They said I was indecent.

I was in junior high school at that time.

I felt like I've been stabbed.

My heart is really hurt.

Really hurt.

I was on my way to school,

although I was sad, I still went to school.

Now when my mother and my little sister are quarreling,

I can only persuade my mother

while persuading my sister.

But my mother said I was unqualified to intervene.

She doesn't want me to interfere in my sister's education.

Girls always are doted on in most families.

No matter it is rural or urban,

girls are pampered normally.

But for me,

I have to rely on myself for everything.

I was in a martial arts school before,

and I rarely had contact with my family.

When I got home one day,

my dad asked me to dismantle the garbage.

And then I went to dismantle.

My personality is very similar to my dad.

I couldn't solve it after a long time working,

so I quarreled with my dad.

I said even you couldn't handle it, how could you ask me to do that?

Then my dad directly took the broom

made of our northern sorghum

to chase me and beat me.

So I ran away from home.

Later, my mother asked me to go home.

I felt sorry for my mother,

so I came back.

After that,

my mother passed away in 2018.

then,

During the Chinese New Year in 2019,

my families are the kind of...

No one cares about me

and no one contacts with me.

I feel that the whole world does not belong to me.

I can only rely on myself.

That was how I felt.

I feel that I have no home.

I live alone,

stay away from my hometown alone.

No one knows even if I die.

That's it.

The first time I saw my dad was

when I was six years old.

at that time

Since I was young, my mother and I have been dependent on each other.

My mother raised me by herself.

She had no choice but to go out to work

to earn money for me to study.

My dad came to me for the first time

as a stranger,

then I asked him what to buy.

I remember this is particularly ridiculous.

He said I'm your dad.

This is the first time I heard this sentence,

I thought he was humiliating me.

Then I replied that

I was your dad. That's it.

Because I've been staying in a host family,

I was taken care of by someone else.

When I was lonely,

I felt that I was so desiring to be loved.

I felt like no one cares about me.

No one.

I feel that for more than 20 years,

from elementary school to high school graduation,

my family has no involvement in my growth at all.

I feel that I am very longing for family.

Sometimes, I think that if I have a family

with children in the future,

I will never give up on them.

No matter how difficult life is, I would take this responsibility

to make this family be better.

Love could be expressed in a different way.

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